Learning to Say No so I Can Enjoy Saying Yes



I’ve been reflecting on my writing (or lack thereof) lately. I’ve been through so many changes in the past 18 months and writing about swinging, sex, erotic fiction, whatever, sort of tumbled down the priority list. Maybe because I’ve felt that I’ve been going in a dozen different directions and hesitant to write anything down about any of it because I wasn’t comfortable with any of those paths.

Rick and I don’t really play with others anymore. He’s had some chronic pain issues that have, sadly, affected his ability to enjoy most sexual play. I was taking some evening classes as part of a career change which sucked any extra energy out of me. I was casually dating men here and there, playing with some, but not really feeling like I was progressing down a poly path with any of them.

Maddie, my occasional, long-distance nursing partner, dropped out of sight for over a year. She was having some identity issues of her own. In the meantime, Rick and I had befriended several folks in our poly community and started to build non-romantic friendships with them. One of them, Sarah, and I became pretty good friends. She and I share a birthday even. Sarah dates two men Nick and Chris, who are friends with each other and with Rick and me as well. Both Nick and Chris date other women too.

For several months, we all did things together. Nick and Chris would sometimes bring along another woman, depending on whose night it was with Sarah. When Sarah’s birthday rolled around last year, Nick told me that she’d wanted to kiss me but was too shy to ask. I was flattered that she found me attractive, so at the end of her birthday BBQ I went into her bedroom and kissed her privately. It was fun, but in my brain, it didn’t mean anything other than a fun moment shared by the two birthday girls. Later Nick told me she was thrilled I’d done it.

Now I have no lesbian tendencies. I don’t pursue women. If Rick and I are at a swing club and we see an attractive couple we’d like to play with, I’ll play with the woman for a bit before wanting to do a full swap and play with the man. I believe in reciprocity. Sometimes the women don’t return the favor (going down on me) which pisses me off. I hate playing with pillow princesses.

Anyway, Nick later told me that Sarah wanted to have a “play date” with me. This is where I fucked up. I should have said “No, I’m not interested in playing with women alone” but I didn’t. I thought she just wanted to experience what playing with a woman is like. So once again, I obliged. She’s pretty enough, and very sweet to me. I thought we had a pretty good friendship.

Anyway, our play date went down ok. I just don’t enjoy the teacher role when it comes to sex. Sarah is pretty passive in the bedroom but it wasn’t a horrible experience. It did, however, reinforce my desire to NOT play with pillow princesses any more. I don’t enjoy it and I end up feeling used and rejected.

So I chalked that up to a “live and learn” experience and went on with life. Then Nick told me he was interested in me and wanted to date me alone. I enjoyed my friendship with Nick and said yes. We went on exactly three enjoyable dates when he told me how much he enjoyed my company and wouldn’t mind exploring that friendship even further. I said yes, if it was ok with Sarah. I also shared with him that, while I really enjoy Sarah’s friendship, I was not interested in a romantic relationship with her and didn’t want to fuck things up by doing anything to make her jealous. 

You know, just writing this story is wearing me out emotionally, so I’m going to stop here tonight. There’s much more and I’ll write about that in a couple of days, I promise. Sigh.


  1. #1 by Jane Private Escort on September 14, 2016 - 7:37 am

    Interesting story! Too bad you can’t have a relationship with Nick!

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