Dating Websites Are Like Bars (Well, sort of)

naked girl looking at computer

I seldom use this blog to rant, but today I need to. I have a profile on OKCupid. So does Rick. As with most women who include “Casual Sex,” among other things, on the list of “What I’m Looking For”, my profile elicits a large number of responses. Most of them I completely ignore and delete; however, I will occasionally respond to the guy’s message, if it’s well-written. But even then, if I’m not intrigued by either the profile or message, the conversation usually goes nowhere. Sometimes, it even offends me.

To illustrate this point, I received a message several days ago from a guy that read (in part),

“I’ve been looking at your profile for quite some time. We have a high match percentage – one of the highest I’ve received. But I don’t know how much faith I have in the OKCupid match algorithms… I hesitated to message you because you put casual sex as one of the things you seek. I realize that this means you are getting HUNDREDS of responses, and the likelihood that you will see mine and actually read it are remote…So – what can I say that will make my message stand out and get you to read it? What can I say that will inspire a response? And at the risk of sounding like everyone else – I find your photo quite beautiful. If I could see the red hair, it would be even better.”

I read his message and thought about responding, but I didn’t do so right at that minute. BTW – our “match percentage” was 89% – and I’ve had guys respond with even higher match percentages that I’ve not responded to for a variety of reasons. Anyone with a profile on a swinger site can relate to this.

Two days later, he wrote again:

“Well, I haven’t heard back from you so I suppose that means you’re not interested. I could continue to pursue, but I don’t want to be a pest or stalker-ish. I really wish I knew what it takes to get you ladies to respond.”

For some reason, that intrigued me enough to respond after I read his profile a second time:

“I appreciate you taking the time to send me a message…You are also correct in that I do receive a fair number of messages that are crude, thoughtless and full of misspellings. I will give you a tip that may help your chances of success: patience.

Lack of it is not a virtue, especially in the online dating world.

Your profile is well-written, interesting and lovely in general. I tend to take profiles at face value and not read any more into what is being said and assume nothing more than that. Unfortunately for me, though, is that nice guys like you are usually looking for more in a relationship than I am willing to give. I am very happily married, and said as much in my profile. I am looking for a play partner and have my husband’s blessing in doing so. So when I read “I want to find someone to snuggle with in front of the TV on a Friday night,” I know that’s probably not going to be me; therefore I tend to pass on those profiles.

I appreciate your admiration for redheads. I am not ready to share any more pictures at this time, however, but thanks for your interest.”

Let me throw in here that my OK Cupid profile does NOT say that all I’m interested in is ‘casual sex’. It is one of several choices (dating, FWB, etc.) It’s doubtful that he even read my entire profile, as this the response I received the next day:

“Thank you for your very thoughtful reply. I appreciate it. Let me clarify one thing though, just because I like snuggling with someone in front of a TV does NOT mean I’m looking for more than casual fun. That is my ultimate goal on here…The reason I (and probably most guys) don’t put that we are basically looking for a FWB situation is because almost ALL women run from that. We get no response if we’re looking for casual sex. Now I run into you who says you’re not interested because all you want is casual sex – nothing serious. BINGO! DING, DING, DING – perfect match for me. I’m just looking for some extra curricular fun. Lot’s of reasons for this, but if you want to know then you’ll have to message me back and ask. Which I sincerely hope you will do. Again, thank you for the kind response :)”

Then immediately after that, he sent this one:

“Come on . . . give me a chance. I KNOW how to do this for recreational purposes. The last one lasted three years. Like I said – she got possessive and clingy – I had to end it. I’m not a loser or wimpy dude looking for a girlfriend. I’m looking for a playmate that understands the rules!”

Wrong. My profile does NOT say all I want is casual sex. Nor did my initial message imply that I was.  I got pissed off and wrote back:

“This conversation is becoming borderline offensive to me. Just because I included “casual sex” doesn’t mean I’ll just fuck anyone that comes along. There has to be some degree of physical and mental attraction. I don’t know you well enough to determine either one. And I have to get to know you a tiny bit before taking my clothes off.”

Guys, when you’re trying to find a play partner online, READ HER ENTIRE PROFILE. She’s giving away clues about to what to say, so why not take advantage of it? When sending a message, ask her about HER – what she likes, etc. Prove that you’ve actually taken five minutes to read what she wrote.  It’s actually a little easier than picking up women at a bar, because with a profile, you at least have a place to start beyond the “Hi, my name is…”

Next, remember that just because you’re on a website and she’s there too, you may have different goals (i.e. you want a new fuck buddy, she wants a boyfriend to add to her polycule) You never know until you ask, but most women won’t respond to “wanna fuck?” online any more than they would in a club or bar. The key here is that women like to talk about themselves. He would have elicited a more positive response from me by asking me exactly what I am looking for, rather than assuming he knew what I was looking for.

Readers, what tips do you have for evoking a response on the dating websites?

  1. #1 by larryarcher69 on January 19, 2015 - 1:41 pm

    I can empathize with the guy you kicked to the curb. We tend to get lost in the crowd of guys screaming “pick me” and it’s why most clubs restrict single guys or at least most nights. I’ve tried to explain the same thing you talked about to my wife but she only sees it from a female perspective. As a race, we tend to shoot ourselves in the foot by letting our little buddy make all the decisions for us.

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