Is It Time to Play Separately?

7149_522165677832675_305177056_n[1]Last weekend Rick and I went to a house party. It was fun; a house jam-packed with people. There was a pre-party meet & greet at a local restaurant that was just as much as the party itself (a great way to kick off the evening, IMHO). But sadly, we didn’t play with anyone, because we’ve found ourselves at a fork in our swinging road and aren’t sure which road to take (or if we should just pick up the fork and take it home J ).

There were several good-looking men at this party; a few of them approached me, introduced themselves and flirted a little. One was a single man who actually introduced himself to me at the restaurant, and made the effort to do it again at the house. I was interested in playing with him, but his play partner didn’t interest Rick. And this scene has happened many times over the few years; sometimes I’m the one not that’s not interested, and sometimes it’s Rick. And sometimes it’s one of the other couple.

And therein lies the problem. We have had difficulty finding couples where The Other Guy is attracted to me, I’m attracted to him, The Other Girl is attracted to Rick, he to her, her to me and me to her. That’s SIX attractions that should be felt before anyone gets naked. And that’s happened to us maybe a half-dozen times.

So we started talking: how do we feel about playing separately? Would one of us be sitting around, twiddling our thumbs while the other was in a room fucking someone else? Would we feel awkward or learn how to just have our own fun and not worry about what the other person is doing? Would I start feeling resentful if Rick consistently found women to play with while I sat around trying to find my own playmate? Or vice versa?

We also talked about focusing on finding a unicorn, since the numbers would be in our favor. We’d just have to find one woman who appealed to both of us.

When we got into the lifestyle, it was because we wanted to experience non-monogamy together. There’s a dichotomy for ya. And it hasn’t been easy.

We haven’t reached a decision yet; if you have any insights to share, we’d love to hear them.

What about you, fellow swingers? Have you had issues with finding mutually attractive couples? How do you deal with that?

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  1. #1 by kdaddy23 on July 19, 2013 - 3:10 am

    I think that, invariably, every couple that swings runs into this problem and one that, surprise! – was created the moment you decided to swing together (or not at all). The assumption – and mistake, in my opinion – is thinking that when you meet a couple, both of you are always going to agree on whether or not both people are fuckable – in my experiences, that’s damn near impossible. And while a lot of couples strive to do this, more often than not, someone winds up taking one for the team… or no one gets to play. You might even wind up not playing that often and simply because you cannot agree on mutuality and that kinda defeats the purpose of playing, huh?.

    The ‘obvious’ solution is to invoke separate playing, right? But this makes couples who are considering this very nervous and the only advice I have to offer is for you to get over that nervousness because, at the end of the day, it’s not about the sex – it’s really about the trust you have in each other, isn’t it? It can only test the strength of your relationship IF you see being able to play at-will is going to cause an issue with your relationship. If you know for certain that it is going to cause a problem, don’t go separate.

    Sharing the swinging experience together isn’t just finding that MAC and throwing down with them – it’s also about being able to do your own thing as your standards see fit… then sharing your individual experiences with each other during the ride home.

    Trust and faith in your relationship and each other is the key here. It’s just sex and while you can attend the same parties and what have you, it’s up to you as individuals to decide what you find sexually attractive and then giving each other the freedom to check it out; otherwise, you’ll won’t be playing. I’m not saying that you have to go separate but providing you insight from my own experience with this.

    My lady and I started swinging together with the thought of doing it together… and it didn’t take us long to realize that what looked fuckable to me was anything but to her (and vice versa). So we changed the rules: We get to a party or whatever and if we find a couple we can agree on, cool; if not and there are individuals striking our separate fancies, well, okay, baby, go tear them a new one, be careful (I got your back), and have fun – hell, I might even sit and watch, ya know?. We came to this agreement because it’s still about sharing the swinging experience together as well as being able to enjoy the sex that’s available – which is the reason why we swing; being able to “go solo” doesn’t affect our relationship one bit… because we don’t allow it to.

    Hope this helps!

    • #2 by shalynne on July 20, 2013 - 1:17 am

      Great points, all kdaddy! You’ve given us a lot of food for thought. We need to remember that it’s all about trusting each other enough to relax and have some fun. Not sure which road we’ll take, but whatever happens, I’ll be sure to write about it. 🙂 Thanks for reading, and for posting a comment.

      • #3 by kdaddy23 on July 20, 2013 - 1:18 am

        Thank you for allowing me to comment on such a sensitive topic!

  2. #4 by larryarcher69 on August 30, 2015 - 4:42 am

    I too have written several posts about the fact that it is rare you find a couple that both of you are attracted to. You end up going to a house party and playing with two people who are not a couple. If you are both at the same house party, you’re not really partying separately, just not in the same room.

    We go to a house party and one or both of us with go off with someone but we always leave together. We always know where our partner is even when we are not with them.

  1. Playing Separately – Everyone Has an Opinion | Indiscretions

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