I got an email a few days ago with the most hilarious video called the “Manslater”, a short video about a gadget that translates what one person says into what they are really saying, then plays it back for their partner to hear. For example, if she says, “It’s fine. Really,” she might mean, “No, that’s not ok.” But for whatever reason, she won’t actually say it. The Manslater plays back what s/he really means. If you’re female, no doubt you’ve probably said one or two of these things yourself. I know I have. It would be great to really have a gadget like this.
It’s an odd dichotomy of sorts: as swingers, we freely share our sexual selves with complete or near-strangers. We open the most intimate parts of our bodies and give them to others for pleasure (ours and theirs), but yet saying the things we want or need to say about our desires can be so difficult. Manslater, where are you???
On Indiscretions landing page, in the section titled “Blogs I Follow,” there is one titled “Great Resource For Swingers.” It’s actually called “Anakosha” and is a book about swinging. It’s also the name of a website (www.anakosha.org) that was created by Nancy Adler. Nancy and her husband Bob were longtime swingers. Bob was also a great observer of human nature and began writing articles about swinging, relationships and human behavior. After his death in 1993, Nancy compiled his writings and created a book called “Swinging With Safety.”
This book is available on Nancy’s website, and I would highly recommend reading it. Rick suggested it to me back when we were exploring the lifestyle and it has helped me tremendously. Since I started writing this blog, I’ve referred back to some of the chapters to help me gain perspective on the topic I’m writing about, and sometimes I re-read chapters just to make sure I’m not going nuts. Here is what Bob says about communication and swinging… (Chapter 37, for quick reference.)
…If you prefer to swing one-on-one without your primary partner, tell the person you are talking to early on. If you don’t, you may be wasting an hour of his or her time, as well as your own if, after you have made a decision to get together for some intimacy, you find that he or she only swings with his or her primary partner present. Of course, it could be the same in reverse. You may only swing with your primary partner present, and you may momentarily forget that fact in the middle of a stimulating conversation and suddenly he or she wants to go to bed and you have to pull yourself back, mumbling something unintelligible. Say what you want to say clearly and out loud so there is no confusion about it. There is nothing wrong with starting out a conversation with, “Hi, my name is Cheryl, and I only swing with my husband. What’s your name?” This could be the start of something beautiful at a swing party. You won’t have any bad experiences if your partners know your space and you know theirs. In fact, it is desirable.
If you are too tired to go back to a bedroom shortly after a previous encounter, don’t be coerced. Say it like it is. If you don’t like someone coming up behind you and squeezing parts of your anatomy without invitation, for heaven’s sake, tell them you don’t like it. If you don’t want a bi-experience and you’re asked to participate in one, tell the person No. Don’t get into something you don’t want. And if you DO want a bi-experience, ask for it.
For most of us in swinging, our guidelines are built unrealistically upon what our husbands or wives like. It is easy for me to assume that if my husband likes it then all the other men will like it too. Most of the men and women in swinging want to be sensitive, but we tend to do that which works at home. So if you want a partner to treat you the way you enjoy it the most, and not do the things you enjoy the least, you must take the responsibility to tell them exactly how you want it.
If you will learn to say what you don’t want and ask for what you do want, men as well as women, you will have 99% great experiences. And so will your swing partners. If you have a bad experience, other people are not responsible. The club is not responsible and your partner of the night is not responsible. You are responsible because you failed to get your point across. So say it out loud!